« Shredding Waves With a Golden Girl | Main | Too mad to "Lean Back" »

September 21, 2004

Ten Thousand Spoons When All You Need Is A Dictionary

Good Morrow,

It's midnight in LA. They say midnight's the new noon. I'm tired. Just got home from Scrubs and am still wiping Kabuki make-up off the backs of my ears. Talk about original moments; I think I might be the only person wiping Kabuki make-up off the backs of their ears on a show about doctors typing the word "raisins" into their blog right now. But hey- you never know.

So my big brother, Joshua, wrote a book entitled, "The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green". Check it out on amazon if you have a chance. He's an amazingly talented, funny writer and I think many of you who responded to Garden State - and read - would really get it. Even those of you who don't read will really like it; there aren't any pictures, but the font is pretty, so you might be able to get some entertainment by staring at the fancy squiggly lines we call letters. Then again if you can read this, then you should able to read that. You know when you're walking in some enormous building and you see a tiny piece of braille on a door that says "FIRE ESCAPE". How is the blind person expected to find those little bumps while trying to escape a fire?! I never understood that. I'm so thankful to the powers that be that I'm not blind. I remember when I lived in Manhattan seeing a blind person navigating their way through a crowded sidewalk. Makes you never want to complain - but feeling shitty is relative I suppose.

Funny words:
laser, Beyonce, kibble, nougat, ragweed

Funny consonants:
k, g, v and sometimes y

Funny parts of a bird:
tail, hoof

Funny fingers:
ring, pointer and sometimes thumb

Things that make wolves laugh:
when I juggle kibble, Paula Poundstone, sheep porn

Answers to questions:
I have no idea how long I'll continue writing this blog. Hadn't really thought about it.

The second song in the trailer is "Love Will Come Through" by Travis. An amazing band.

Answer to a tricky SAT word problem:
B) Jane would have serviced 11 sailors in 4 hours aboard the carrier.

Okay, so i have a couple of beers in me, and I'm rambling a little.
Does Alanis Morisette still perform "Ironic" even though it's been pointed out to her that none of her examples are truly ironic? I wonder. I like that song even if it makes absolutely no sense.

Song of the day: Turin Brakes: "Pain Killer". I promise you will love to drive your car to this song. (or scooter or hover craft or bike or transit bus - actually if you're a bus driver, put this song on and turn it way up and then don't make any stops till it's over no matter how many times people push on that rubber bell strip. They may yell at you at the time, but once the song reaches the chorus, they'll be happy and will thank you for making them realize how petty they were yelling at someone who was just trying to make them happy.)

A friend reported to me that he saw a very, very, very drunk person passed out in their own urine on a sidewalk in Manhattan wearing a Garden State baseball hat. Now I've hit a whole host of milestones this year, but I think this is a pretty important one. I once watched two wasted homeless men in Thompkins Square park wrestling over a "Les Miserables" t-shirt. Now there's some irony for Alanis to write about.

Peace, and well hmmm. nah. Okay love too.

Posted by Zach Braff at 12:01 AM | Permalink


TrackBack URL for this entry:

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Ten Thousand Spoons When All You Need Is A Dictionary:

» Being famous from The Last Minute
I wish I was a movie star. Those guys have the coolest lifestyle and the best job. Maybe I should get a headshot done and go to some pseudo acting classes and move to LA and become famous! I swear [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 21, 2004 10:34:35 AM

» And if I didn't before . . . from Magnificent Mistake
I totally love Zach Braff. He is the Shizz. Fo' reallies! (thank you to invisible__girl for informing me of the blog which I never knew existed. /out of the loop) He would appreciate how last night I was teaching my five-year-old son the name and me... [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 21, 2004 11:14:56 AM

» trackback... from unnoticed.org
I want to think of something witty to say because I trackback(ed) Zach Braff's entry and he's awesome and if I can just be witty, I can attract a potential mate? My fingers are freezing. I love it. [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 21, 2004 11:55:49 AM

» My ode to the 405 Freeway from WhyYouAreI?
I won't switch lanes sometimes. I have too much faith in the one I'm driving in already. I even talk to it. I give it words of encouragement. I'll play games with it too. I see how long I can go without absolutely stopping. My poor car will pay for ... [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 21, 2004 1:57:59 PM

» kinda ironic from we do not remember days, we remember moments
It's only ironic if you were living in Seattle where it always rains, and you go to Arizona to have your wedding, and then it rains... Hal Sparks. =) I started this entry after reading Zach Braff's post during fourth period and that post menti... [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 21, 2004 4:30:50 PM

» F.O.G.S. music--round 2 from genau
The past two shows went pretty well. We didn't loose power, get struck by lightning, or have a computer crash! Phew. We talked about the delightful Zach Braff & his fantastic movie- Garden State, the chocolate show , Mike--a boy... [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 21, 2004 5:35:58 PM

» happy fall yall from bigorangecat.com
You know how things, when you hear them for the first time, they seem as though they are being drilled into your brain so you can't ever forget what it is that you learned? Well the whole Alanis Morisette "Ironic" thing, about none of those things in t... [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 22, 2004 12:57:36 AM

» Of Course I Am Partial to Zach Braff from Simply Saidy...
He is Hot, he is Sexy, he is witty as hell, and his name starts with the letter Z... Just like mine does. I mean, really. You didn't actually believe that my real name is Saidy, did you? [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 22, 2004 4:08:40 PM

» Our Generation's 'The Graduate' or...I HEART Zach Braff from :: blogging: mccord style ::
FINALLY saw Garden State today. And loved it. I already knew I loved Zach Braff (and yes, my husband knows) and Scrubs. I think it's one of the funniest (yes, I know it's not a word, but every other [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 24, 2004 6:38:50 PM

» I'll just shove this all into one post from une very stylish fille
We saw "Garden State" on Friday night. I really liked it. It's funny without being patronizing, sweet without being sappy, romantic without being dippy, and sad without being a Lifetime movie moment. I'm really surprised that I didn't cry. I [Read More]

Tracked on Sep 27, 2004 1:44:31 AM

» Season Tickets Sold Out Again for Heat from the SOUTH FLORIDA
of the SOUTH FLORIDA SUN-SENTINEL reports, The Heat sold out of season tickets for the second consecutive year [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 1, 2006 2:38:21 AM

» 'Breast' Cover Gets Mixed Reaction from agazine's 'Breast-Feeding'
'Breast-Feeding' Cover Reflects Larger Debate on Public Nursing [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 1, 2006 5:42:55 AM

» Leading Analyst Firm Rates Parlano MindAlign As High Impact Knowledge Worker Tool from Analyst Firm
Analyst Firm Rates Parlano MindAlign As High Impact Knowledge Worker Tool [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 1, 2006 9:13:36 PM

» Knicks Unlikely to Land Jeffries from team surpassing
yesterday Grunfeld hoped to match the Knicks' offer for the full $5.2 million mid-level [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 7, 2006 11:01:14 AM

» Ex-President of Buffalo Musicians' Union Local Pleads Guilty to Embezzlement from July26
on July26 to embezzling $74,000 from its funds, reports TheBuffalo [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 7, 2006 1:32:25 PM

» House Approves Legislation To Expand Use Of Electronic Health Records from House on Thursday
technology, CQ Today reports. Prior to the vote, lawmakers inserted into the legislation the text of a House bill (HR 4157) [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 8, 2006 3:22:50 AM

» Mel Gibson Seeks Forgiveness From Jews - New York Times from Gibson Story
Jerusalem Post - The Conservative Voice - Cinematical - all 1,967 [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 8, 2006 4:40:21 AM

» Inquiry into 'beggar amputations' from authorities launch
launch a probe after doctors are caught on tape offering to amputate beggars' limbs for money. [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 8, 2006 12:55:13 PM

» New girls for 'Gilmore' creator (Reuters) from is returning
creator Amy Sherman-Palladino is returning to her half-hour comedy roots with a new project for Fox Broadcasting Co. [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 8, 2006 7:13:51 PM

» OAP pays for op with fake cheque from a life-saving
a life-saving heart operation by giving a hospital a £9,000 cheque he knew would bounce. [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 8, 2006 8:31:26 PM

» SAP unit hires new VP from Massey, a former
economic viability and process efficiency. As vice president of the unit, Massey will be responsible for managing [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 9, 2006 3:50:27 AM

» Lieberman loses battle over war (Reuters) from lost a Democratic
Reuters - Connecticut Sen. Joseph Lieberman narrowly lost a Democratic Party [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 14, 2006 2:33:21 AM

» CIBER Wins Web Portal Contract With Cook County, Illinois from 8, 2006 CIBER,
the City of Chicago, Cook County has a population of 5.3 million people, making... [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 14, 2006 6:58:56 AM

» International PHP Conference 2006 Call for Papers from for Papers for
with sessions. The main focus of the conference will be Security through an own security track. Like last year, we'll provide a Management [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 14, 2006 3:58:47 PM

» Operators, authorities call for restrictions to AMX entry from Rico's local
Rico's local telecom regulator JRT are lobbying the US telecoms regulator [Read More]

Tracked on Aug 14, 2006 10:21:05 PM

» Levitra. from Levitra 25mg preguntas.
Levitra dangers. Levitra 25mg preguntas. Viagra cialis levitra buy cheap cialis buy ciali. Levitra. [Read More]

Tracked on Dec 24, 2009 10:26:34 AM

» How does levitra work. from Levitra.
Generic levitra. Levitra attorneys. Levitra and sperm count. Levitra samples. Levitra. Cialis levitra viagra. [Read More]

Tracked on Dec 25, 2009 10:44:23 PM

» Granny sex. from Granny sex.
Www mature granny hardcore sex. Free granny sex mpegs. Granny sex movies. Click here mature lesbian movies sex granny free. [Read More]

Tracked on Jan 3, 2010 10:21:39 AM

» Adipex without a prescription. from Adipex.
Adipex. Adipex without a prescription. Adipex large order. Phent ermine adipex. [Read More]

Tracked on Jan 3, 2010 11:34:26 AM

» Gay animal sex. from Sex animal.
Hardcore animal sex. Animal sex pictures. Animal sex stories. Sex animal. [Read More]

Tracked on Jan 4, 2010 11:51:12 AM

» About glaxosmithkline pharmaceuticals and levitra. from Levitra.
Cialis viagra levitra. Levitra. [Read More]

Tracked on Jan 5, 2010 10:39:07 AM


Saw your comments about your blog on the late late show last night...good stuff.
Movie gets better each time and the soundtrack? phenomenal

Posted by: Claire | Sep 21, 2004 7:00:40 AM

I just wanted to thank you and the rest of the Scrubs cast for amusing me every Tuesday night. It's become a tradition among my college friends to gather around the television, gorging on pizza and beer, and laughing our asses off. And Garden State is an amazing movie!

Posted by: Joanna | Sep 21, 2004 7:03:02 AM

but isn't it ironic that nothing in the song "ironic" is actually ironic?

Posted by: kv | Sep 21, 2004 7:03:23 AM

I always thought 'ordinary' was a funny word. And 'privilege.' Actually, a whole lot of words sound immensley stupid and/or funny, and I'm just going by the English language here.


Posted by: Hannah | Sep 21, 2004 7:04:01 AM

Zach, You crack me up! But is a thumb really considered a finger. I always thought we had four fingers and a thumb. Ahh . . . a debate for another time. Anyway, I just wanted to say how much I loved Garden State. One of my favorite aspects of your movie was the juxtaposition of humor and sadness, which to me, really hit home. A few years ago my father passed away and I too had to return home for the funeral. I remember going to the cemetery to say our last goodbyes and pulling up in our car to find the funeral director waiting for us outside. He was standing directly in front of a huge tombstone that lay on the outskirts of the cemetery. This tombstone was huge (it was meant for the four members of the family to be buried under) and contained a single five letter inscription. In enormous letters was written what I can only assume was the last name of the family: FLUCK. Now, can you guess what letter on the tombstone the funeral director was standing in front of? That’s right, the “L”! Here I was, doing one of the saddest things I’ve ever had to do, yet I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the sight in front of me. To make a long story short, your movie reminded me of those times where you are confronted with the ultimate truth of a situation, and the only reaction you can have is either to laugh or cry. Your movie made me do both, so thanks!

Posted by: Rita | Sep 21, 2004 7:05:09 AM

Wait a minute, you wrote that at what time??? But you were on TV at that time.... Crazy. Well hi Zach, I was wondering too how long you were going to keep the blog. I think everyone would like to hear about your adventure when you start doing the international travel, I mean there is bound to be more people that frantically search for a cat stroller while flying right? Well the only thing I have listened to since your last post is Rachael Yamagata. Going to see her next Thursday in Chicago. I have an extra ticket if you would like to go. She is amazing and I didnt steal the music because Karma is an important thing. You seem to come from a family of writers and you love music, have you ever tried to write music? I know if you ever wrote a song about irony, you would know what it means.
GS Lovin,

Posted by: NULacey | Sep 21, 2004 7:06:07 AM

Funny post, as always!

I want a Garden State and/or Scrubs baseball hat. I'll try not to pass out drunk in it, unless you want me to, that is.

Posted by: Jen | Sep 21, 2004 7:06:27 AM

I have two questions that I hope to see answered at some point in the future on here or in some interview or anything. First, since you wrote this script a couple of years ago and things are a little different than they were then, do you find it harder to relate to the situations and yourself back then, or does it still hold the same significance? Second, when Large goes in for the CAT scan, are the markings all over his body just from the party or are they also his insecurities too? Thanks Zach! You're superman!

Posted by: vanillarita | Sep 21, 2004 7:07:58 AM

What about Jane servicing 11 sailors? Are you sure it wasn't Erica?

I love reading your blog. It's witty and entertaining! Please keep it up!

Posted by: Erica | Sep 21, 2004 7:08:01 AM

saw the premier of scrubs as well as father of the pride last week. excellent I think that J.D.'s character has evolved quite a bit. but he's still the same old quirky and dorky doc in training. i think that the way J.D. is on scrubs is a good accurate representation of you on your b-log. its just sometimtes the things that make the least bit of sense make the most. (sort of like that alanis ironic song-gotta lov it!)

Posted by: Angel | Sep 21, 2004 7:08:47 AM

Zach Braff, you are the silliest, and that is why you are spectacular. Stop being a celebrity and be a...normal(?) person for a day or two and come visit me.

You can wear a wig and a dress and then no one will know who you are, cause this is New Orleans so they wouldn't even think it was strange.

Ok,I know that that's impossible. But I just wanted to maybe make you smile. Enough of being random. Hope your day is a good one.

Posted by: kristen | Sep 21, 2004 7:09:13 AM

i think becoming blind is my worst fear, seriously. i've had several recurring nightmares about it.
i once saw this art exhibit at the museum of surgical history here in chicago (unfortunately i've forgotten the name of the artist), containing paintings by an artist that was progressively growing blind. she painted the same subjects as a study through her diminishing sight. it was absolutely horrific to witness this amazing artist be overcome by blindness.
i can't imagine anything worse than that to a visual artist... hence why i'm so scared of it.

ha, and i love your answer to the SAT problem :D

Posted by: Erin Paulson | Sep 21, 2004 7:09:22 AM

(I'm so shocked that I get to be among the first of the millions of people that are going to comment! You should feel loved. Oh so very loved.)

It's not like you haven't heard this before, but since you actually DO read comments, I just wanted to thank you so much for Garden State. It's affected me so deeply and I've thought about it in some way every day since seeing it.

Florble fleeble floop! (Had to throw in something original to break the monotony.)

Posted by: Nirosha | Sep 21, 2004 7:09:24 AM

she does. saw her last month with barenaked ladies and I was surprised she still sings it.

Posted by: Katie | Sep 21, 2004 7:09:38 AM

whoo hoo! closest to the top I've ever been! Zach, honestly, you are the most talented person out there right now.

Posted by: Karen | Sep 21, 2004 7:09:40 AM

hahhaa!! yeah i've always wondered how blind people can find those braille signs! like are they supposed to feel the walls until they find little bumps? i give so much props to blind people.. and people with disabilities in general.. not that its by choice or anything.

oh yeah and.. Happy New Year?

Posted by: chanta | Sep 21, 2004 7:10:07 AM

i guess alanis still perfoms ironic, although kinda sucky situations fits the song better i don't think it has the same oomph...but hey i'm not a songwriter so....
as for funny words, i always thought ointment was a funny word, so is ladle. just say it, ladle, ladle, ladle....nice eh? oh yea, it's my birthday today, so thanks for posting, it's a fun little sorta gift. take care!

Posted by: leslie | Sep 21, 2004 7:10:35 AM

You were trying not to laugh at the emmy's. sooo obvious.

The only thing I could personally think of when you were standing there, was not who was going to win - but manatees boning.

PS - What's your beer of choice?

PPS - We Built This City is a good song

PPPS - How many of these can I do before it gets ridiculous?

Posted by: Ali | Sep 21, 2004 7:10:45 AM


so you probably felt the urge to update your blog after drew carey said you hadn't updated since september 12th! haha - yay for the update none the less. i totally want to read your brothers book...I'm sure all of the GS fans would love it.

It's too early in the morning for me to think of anything witty to post...but thanks for the blog update:)

much love

Posted by: michelle | Sep 21, 2004 7:11:46 AM

Hey Zach....I recently ordered the Joshua Radin and the Cary Brothers cd and I think they are awesome. Thanks for the suggestions. Also I was listening to the radio and a DJ said they really loved Bea Arthur. Thought that might make you laugh.


Posted by: Missyj | Sep 21, 2004 7:11:58 AM

so my 75 year old grandmother called me this morning to talk about last weeks episode of scrubs... you guys are doing something right if you've managed to amuse an 18 year old jaded college student and her semi-delusional grandmother in just 30 minutes! the movie is inspired, natalie portman's character embodies everything i strive for, and you? well, there just aren't enough words (and i'm an english major, and we know a shitload of them). so thanks and love and all that's in between.

Posted by: holland | Sep 21, 2004 7:11:58 AM

a question from the same sort of mind that thinks sheep porn is funny: who's hotter, Natalie Portman, or Sarah Chalke? or Tara Reid because she naw-tay?

Posted by: pigri | Sep 21, 2004 7:12:00 AM

I love your blog, you never cease to make me laugh very hard...and seeing as how Im in a library, I usually get funny stares. Wouldnt it be great if they just all started laughing with me, even if they didnt truly know what was so funny? I think thats what would bring peace to the world. Indeed.

I take offence to you calling K a funny consonant...you bastard.

Youre right...Travis is an incredible band...I keep meaning to buy 'Memories' to complete my cd collection.

I will definately check out your brothers book...and so you know, I dont actually know how to read, write or type.I just know how to write those sentances and this sentance explaining it.


Posted by: Karla | Sep 21, 2004 7:12:00 AM

I have a wolf hybrid that we rescued when she was a pup, and it pains me to say she doesn't laugh at any of those things... but I'll fix you a few Killer Kool Aids and you can come juggle for her, we'll see how sour she is then.

At any rate, I love Scrubs, a few friends and I have been wondering, whatever happened to those damn shower shorts anyway?

Posted by: Sara | Sep 21, 2004 7:12:00 AM

HA! I blame Alanis and that fucking misleading song for every American's misuse of the word ironic. People should try to pick up a dictionary and figure out the difference between coincidence and irony and any other word their brains have trouble coming up with that is automatically replaced with "irony."

Oh yeah, and again, I love you Zach. Isn't that ironic how I'm telling you that on your blog?

Steve Schenk
Champaign, IL

Posted by: Steve | Sep 21, 2004 7:12:02 AM